Monday, March 31, 2008

Tales from the Crib

Imagine the noise you would make if you got to lick a fully-loaded with frosting (or whatever) spatula, from end to end. Kind of like the pigeon about to devour the hot dog from Mo Williams The Pigeon Finds a Hot dog.


I was driving my two little kids back home from the mall. It was not a very nice day here... rainy, cold, and had been both for quite a while. So I was concentrating on driving because conditions were not the best when I heard my daughter make that noise "aaaaaahhhhhh" from her car seat and her little brother cracking up. I think he was around 11 months so it was really fun to hear him laughing those full belly laughs. Well, what do most kids do when someone finds something they are doing funny? They do it again. She would make the noise and he would laugh his little head off. I thought this interaction between the two of them was really charming and I am giggling away myself as I listen to them. I do have one of those little mirrors that lets you peer into the backseat to see what kind of hell is breaking loose, but I try not to spend too much time on it because, you know, I'm driving.
Well, the two of them had been at this for a good five minutes or so when we got to our exit where we had to stop for a red light. I turned around to see the game in real time. I nearly barfed right there in the car. SHE WAS LICKING THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOE. The shoe that had walked through the mall, played in the children's museum, took a trip to the potty and scampered through the little landscape areas as you make your way back to the car in the wet, grimy parking lot. You've looked down and seen a lot of detritus (fancy, shmancy word for "all kinds of nasty crap") which you don't want to step in. It's the reason I have a no shoe house.
My next thought is "how am I going to clean her mouth?" I can't really wipe antibacterial lotion on her tongue. And a baby wipe just seems inadequate. Ummm, normally I wouldn't condone the consumption of vodka by a toddler, but that stuff packs a punch and would probably kill anything she might have picked up, plus a few brain cells. I don't have any vodka, or mouthwash in the house, for that matter. By the time I got her home it would be too late anyway. Heck, it was too late already; she had been doing this for the entire car ride home and we were almost there. Well, how do you turn this into a positive? She building her immune system! I tried to think of something that would discourage her from doing that again. I came up with: "There are squished spiders on the ground. You don't eat spiders do you? Plus, there is all kinds of dirt and icky things Mommy doesn't want you to put in your mouth." I know she is not overly fond of spiders so I think that worked. She has asked me on a couple of occasions about the spider parts on the bottom of her shoe. Better on your shoe than in your mouth, honey.
When we got home I gave her a big glass of orange juice and a kiss.
On the top of her head.

1 comment:

ravengirl said...

You really ought to think about free lance writing for a parents magazine or something. I laughed again, even though I had already heard the story.